The Truth About Shower Curtains
After some grocery shopping we went to Panera Friday night to get a loaf of Sunflower bread. It was late, a snow storm was coming, and all I really wanted was to get home and drink one of the beers I had just stashed in the trunk. We ordered the bread and the girl says “We’re giving away free cookies tonight. You can each choose one.”
My wife’s eyes lit up as she said “Ooh, what are the choices?”
“We have Chocolate-Chip or Chocolate Chocolate-Chip with Walnut.”
“I’ll have the Chocolate Chocolate-Chip with Walnut.”
Then they both turned and looked at me. The pressure was unbearable. You see I don’t eat sweets. I survived the entire summer of 1991 on $26, and ever since then desserts have been anathema to me. When I started my current job, they bought me a cake. I ate one piece for the sake of morale and the sugar high nearly did me in. Now I force myself to eat two pieces of candy a week just so I can maintain my dignity the next time I have to choke down a fist-full of sugar frosting.
Why don’t I ever get asked to choose the right Scotch for a picnic? What beer goes with mahi-mahi? I can even do pretty well choosing wine, but this? This is as foreign as choosing which frequency of ultra-violet light I’d like to have shooting out of my desk lamp.
“Uh, I’ll take that one.”
My wife knows full well that she’s getting two free cookies. I see it in that satisfied grin she’s wearing. The question however, is did I pick the right one.
“Sweetheart, did you want two of the double Chocolate whatever, or one of each for variety?”
“Well, one of each of course.”
“Crap, I chose poorly.”
“Wait, did you get the same one?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that’s what I want.”
“What? You’re just trying to make me feel better. I wanna know the truth.”
“Baby, there is no truth.”
I’m going to remember that the next time I get asked if I prefer the blue shower curtain or the yellow one.
My wife’s eyes lit up as she said “Ooh, what are the choices?”
“We have Chocolate-Chip or Chocolate Chocolate-Chip with Walnut.”
“I’ll have the Chocolate Chocolate-Chip with Walnut.”
Then they both turned and looked at me. The pressure was unbearable. You see I don’t eat sweets. I survived the entire summer of 1991 on $26, and ever since then desserts have been anathema to me. When I started my current job, they bought me a cake. I ate one piece for the sake of morale and the sugar high nearly did me in. Now I force myself to eat two pieces of candy a week just so I can maintain my dignity the next time I have to choke down a fist-full of sugar frosting.
Why don’t I ever get asked to choose the right Scotch for a picnic? What beer goes with mahi-mahi? I can even do pretty well choosing wine, but this? This is as foreign as choosing which frequency of ultra-violet light I’d like to have shooting out of my desk lamp.
“Uh, I’ll take that one.”
My wife knows full well that she’s getting two free cookies. I see it in that satisfied grin she’s wearing. The question however, is did I pick the right one.
“Sweetheart, did you want two of the double Chocolate whatever, or one of each for variety?”
“Well, one of each of course.”
“Crap, I chose poorly.”
“Wait, did you get the same one?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that’s what I want.”
“What? You’re just trying to make me feel better. I wanna know the truth.”
“Baby, there is no truth.”
I’m going to remember that the next time I get asked if I prefer the blue shower curtain or the yellow one.
posted by Sylow_P | 11:08 AM
4 Comments:
This is foreign to me. Free stuff is not about liking or not liking. It's about free. I remember seeing my grandmother take handfuls of free packs of cigarettes in Central Park...and she didn't smoke. And you know what she did with them all? She SMOKED em!
Next time you start feeling 'unbearable pressure' about a little cookie, try thinking of a little old lady chain smoking menthols.
Not quite on the mark Sparky. I was getting a cookie, it just wasn't for me and therefore I could have picked the wrong one.
Imagine if you're grandma was getting the cigarettes for you, and she mistakenly picked the Menthol instead of the Marijuana.
How pissed would you be?
Not missing the mark. Different worlds. In the world I came from you didn't take the cookie for someone else. You didn't take the cookie for yourself. You took the friggin' cookie because, somewhere, some schmuck was paying good money for the very same cookie.
And no thinking involved. No "I don't eat cookies...a cake almost killed me...waaaah!"
Seriously, my grandma once brought a box of porno magazines to our house that she found in the street. Why? Because at the store they cost MONEY!
I'd like to see you try telling my DAD about your painful dilemma with a free cookie. He would breakdown the choice of cookies on pure monetary value. Higher cost...that's his cookie. And no matter what, if someone is giving him a choice of one free anything from two anythings ... my dad is leaving with two free anythings.
You know what we called guys like you in my world? "Over-thinking, one-cookie saps."
Oh you BOYS. You have both completely missed the point entirely.
The point is, Sylow, that your girl is thrilled that you took a cookie for her. Period. You are there. With her. And she gets a cookie. That's what we call Bonus City.
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