Once upon a time I had my head up my ass.
Sparklestone has threatened to expose me on this, so I figured I should come out of the closet myself. It’s not really my fault, you see. I was born in Dumbfuckistan. I lived there for 25 years before I moved to an even deeper (southern) part of Dumbfuckistan. I was 28 when I finally moved to America. Unfortunately, it took a couple years for my Dumbfuckistan brainwashing to wear off. I did several things in those first few years that I’m not proud of, the least of which might have been marrying some girl who wasn’t in love with me. She's long gone now, but boy was I dumb. Still, that’s not what Sparklestone is calling me out on. I’ve been informed that Sparklestone has a 40% success rate at voting for the winning Presidential Candidate. Regretfully, I must confess that my rate is 75%.
You really have to understand the Dumbfuckistan mindset. I was five when I was taught how to check a gun to see if it was loaded. I was six when I got to unload a 357 magnum the fast way (well, dad held it, I just pulled the trigger). I’ll never forget the look on Sparklestone’s face when I pulled my Glock 9mm from behind my bed and handed it to some girl jabbering about wanting to commit suicide. It wasn’t loaded, and as best we know, she’s alive and well. I still like watching an innocent jug of water explode from the impact of a speeding bullet, but I can’t even fathom my head being as far up my ass as it was that day.
I had only been living in America for five months when I cast my third vote for President of the United States. I was living in Illinois where there’s a pretty strict gun registering law that I managed to avoid the entire time I lived there. The night before the election I watched this three hour long PBS biography of the two major candidates, and I learned something that didn’t set well with me. One of the candidates had run for Senator in a slot his father had once held. After winning the election under his father’s name and party affiliation, this politician announced that he was not of the same party persuasion as his father. It didn’t matter to me what party he was from. He was a deceitful liar. That candidate was Al Gore, and regrettably I did not vote for him.
The good news is that Illinois went blue that year, so my vote didn’t count towards he-who-I-shall-not-name. I can assure you, I will never vote for another Repug as long as I live.
Please forgive me. Now I have to go tell my wife.
You really have to understand the Dumbfuckistan mindset. I was five when I was taught how to check a gun to see if it was loaded. I was six when I got to unload a 357 magnum the fast way (well, dad held it, I just pulled the trigger). I’ll never forget the look on Sparklestone’s face when I pulled my Glock 9mm from behind my bed and handed it to some girl jabbering about wanting to commit suicide. It wasn’t loaded, and as best we know, she’s alive and well. I still like watching an innocent jug of water explode from the impact of a speeding bullet, but I can’t even fathom my head being as far up my ass as it was that day.
I had only been living in America for five months when I cast my third vote for President of the United States. I was living in Illinois where there’s a pretty strict gun registering law that I managed to avoid the entire time I lived there. The night before the election I watched this three hour long PBS biography of the two major candidates, and I learned something that didn’t set well with me. One of the candidates had run for Senator in a slot his father had once held. After winning the election under his father’s name and party affiliation, this politician announced that he was not of the same party persuasion as his father. It didn’t matter to me what party he was from. He was a deceitful liar. That candidate was Al Gore, and regrettably I did not vote for him.
The good news is that Illinois went blue that year, so my vote didn’t count towards he-who-I-shall-not-name. I can assure you, I will never vote for another Repug as long as I live.
Please forgive me. Now I have to go tell my wife.
posted by Sylow_P | 10:22 AM
13 Comments:
I am glad you are out. It must be a relief.
That jabbergirl is still alive (Miss Kate saw her recently at a conference).
Also, you and I both know there was a lot going in in your life back in November '99 that severely effected your ability to think properly.
But can your cyberpals forgive you?
With the help of some of my most influential Rangers, some votes were bussed into Palm Beach County, Florida from McLean County, Illinois.
Including yours.
With much appreciation,
George. W. Bush
President of the United States of America
If the number, and authorship of these comments over the past five hours is any indication, I'm guessing no. My cyberpals have abandonded me.
See what you've done Sparklestone? Wait'll I tell everyone about your currently unknown fetish.
Yes, I did see the jabbergirl at a conference but didn't get to speak to her... (admittedly, I only half-tried. There's some history there that I didn't want to hear from her mouth.)
As far as coming from Dumbfuckistan, as you know, I come from your sister city, Stupidasshickville. The truth you need to embrace now is that where you come from isn't important, as long as you don't spend any time back there.
But damn, I need a drink.
Ok, I guess I can forgive you, but only because you are cute...
Otherwise, this could be the end of our blogship. ;-)
You always gotta play the "cute card" dont you?
I love it when Sparky gets jealous.
Miss Kate, I think we drove through them parts once. I'm glad we both know the way out.
Sorry for the delay. I forgive you too. But you have to promise me you'll be on my zombie fighting squad.
Hahaha,
You had me at dumbfuckistan... LMAO
good to know that its not just us canadians who call that part of the us dumbfuckistan
hahaha
You two have no idea how many times the wife and I have discussed moving to Canada.
If things don't get better soon...
Well stranger, don't fell bad about calling out someone witb the glock. My method was an M1911. And she was my girlfriend at the time. We still speak, and she and I are still in love. But she learned don't play games in serious realms. Ah well..but since I also grew up as you did with the constant theme of firearms I wonder...
He really said:
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" George W Bush, Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
"I don't feel like I've got all that much too important to say on the kind of big national issues." George W Bush, 20/20 ABC, 15th September 2000
"The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?" George W Bush, New York Times, 23rd October, 1999
"The fact that (Gore) relies on facts - says things that are not factual - are going to undermine his campaign." George W Bush, New York Times 4th March 2000
"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." George W Bush, Hilton Head, South Carolina, 16th February 2000
"I didn't -- I swear I didn't -- get into politics to feather my nest or feather my friends' nests." Bush Jr., in the Houston Chronicle
"I'm a uniter not a divider. That means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up." Bush, on David Letterman (who had just had open heart surgery), March 2, 2000. (the audience booed)
"There ought to be limits to freedom. We're aware of this [web] site, and this guy is just a garbage man, that's all he is." George Jr., discussing a web site that parodies him
"It's not the governor's role to decide who goes to heaven. I believe that God decides who goes to heaven, not George W. Bush." George W. Bush, in the Houston Chronicle.
"It's your money. You paid for it." George W Bush, LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." George W Bush, during a debate in St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000
"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods." George W Bush, Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000
"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."George W Bush, Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000
"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet." George W Bush, Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000
"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." George W Bush, Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000
"I understand small business growth. I was one." George W Bush, New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." George W Bush, Reuters, May 5, 2000
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." George W Bush, Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." George W Bush, Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
"They misunderestimated me." George W Bush, Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." George W Bush in an interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001
"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment." George W Bush in an interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001
"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to-I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that." George W Bush, Pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 22, 2001 issue
"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." George W Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001
"I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically." George W Bush, Radio-Television Correspondents Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 29, 2001
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce." George W Bush, Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001
"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." George W Bush, after meeting with the leaders of the European Union, Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001
"One of the interesting initiatives we've taken in Washington, D.C., is we've got these vampire-busting devices. A vampire is a-a cell deal you can plug in the wall to charge your cell phone." George W Bush, Denver, CO. Aug. 14, 2001
"It's no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or another."At a campaign rally in Troy, New York, 21st October 1988
"I don't want to get, you know, here we are close to the election - sounding a knell of overconfidence that I don't feel." George W Bush, on TV with David Frost, Election Day, 6th November 1988
"All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you endorse it." George W Bush, at a meeting of the National Governers Association, 3rd February 1992
"Please just don't look at part of the glass, the part that is only less than half full." George W Bush on the outcome of the previous day's gubernatorial elections, 6th November 1991
"I will never apologise for the United States of America - I don't care what the facts are." George W Bush at a press conference introducing the Coalition of American Nationalities, 2nd August 1988
"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?" George W Bush, after touring the Auschwitz death camp, Chicago Sun-Times, 29th January 1992
"There are some great admonitions in the Bible, talking about, you know, don't try to take the speck out of your neighbour's eye when you've got a log in your own. I'm mindful of that." George W Bush, Sam Howe Verhovek, New York Times Magazine, 13th September 1998
Bush: "I talked to my little brother, Jeb - I haven't told this to many people. But he's the governor of - I shouldn't call him my little brother - my brother, Jeb, the great Governor of Texas."
Jim Lehrer: "Florida."
Bush: "Florida. The state of the Florida."
News Hour With Jim Lehrer, PBS, 27th April 2000
"Desert Storm. We sold a lot of tickets." George W Bush joking about the commercial advantages of being George Bush's son, and part owner of a baseball stadium, Larry King Live, CNN, 16th August 1992
"You're all going to hell." George W Bush joking about what he would say to Israeli Jews upon arriving in the Middle East in 1993, Austin-American Statesman, 1st December 1998
Question: "When you're not talking about politics, what do you and your father talk about?"
Bush: "Pussy."
To David Fink of the Hartford Courant, at the 1988 Republican Convention, Salon, 9th April 2000
"Please...don't kill me!" George W Bush mocking what Karla Faye Tucker said when asked, just before her execution, 'What would you say to Governor Bush?' Talk, September 1999
"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." George W Bush, CNN, 18th December 2000
"Reading is the basics for all learning." George W Bush, 'All Things Considered', National Public Radio, 28th March 2000
"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." George W Bush, Beaverton, Oregon, 25th September 2000
"There is a lot of speculation and I guess there is going to continue to be a lot of speculation until the speculation ends." George W Bush, on whether he'll run for President, Austin-American Statesman, 18th October 1998
"I don't care what the polls say. I don't. I'm doing what I think what's wrong." George W Bush, New York Times, 15th March 2000
"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." George W Bush, CNN online chat, 30th August 2000
"Laura and I really don't realise how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis." George W Bush, Meet the Press, NBC, 15th April 2000
"As Governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards." George W Bush, CNN online chat, 30th August 2000
"After all, religion has been around a lot longer than Darwinism." George, September 2000
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." George W Bush, Townsend, Tennessee, 21st February 2001
"When it comes to the overall story, the long-term view of the campaign, it's so important for the campaign to set the long-term view." George W Bush, Brill's Content online, September 2000
"Will the highways on the internet become more few?" George W Bush, Concord, New Hampshire, 29th January 2000
"Put the "off" button on." George W Bush, Associated Press, 14th February 2000
"This is an impressive crowd, the haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite. I call you my base." George W Bush, Al Smith Memorial Dinner in New York, 19th October 2000
"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us vs them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who they are, but we know they're there." George W. Bush, 21 Jan 2000
"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003
"These people don't have tanks. They don't have ships. They hide in caves. They send suiciders out." George W. Bush, speaking about terrorists, Portsmouth, N.H., Nov. 1, 2002
"People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002
"See, we love, we love freedom. That's what they didn't understand. They hate things; we love things. They act out of hatred; we don't seek revenge, we seek justice out of love." George W. Bush, Oklahoma City, Aug. 29, 2002
"There's only one person who hugs the mothers and the widows, the wives and the kids upon the death of their loved one. Others hug but having committed the troops, I've got an additional responsibility to hug and that's me and I know what it's like." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 11, 2002
"I think war is a dangerous place." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 7, 2003
"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." George W. Bush, Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003
"The Ambassador and the General were briefing me on the....the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice." George W.Bush, 28th October, 2003
"The world is more peaceful and more free under my leadership." George W Bush, White House, Oct. 28, 2003
"The will of the United States can be shaken by suiciders.... and suiciders who are willing to drive up to a Red Cross center, a center of international help and aid and comfort, and just kill.... The strategy remains the same. The tactics to respond to more suiciders driving cars will alter on the ground." George W Bush, White House, Oct. 28, 2003
"There's a lot of things that there's misconceptions. Evidently it's a misconceptions that Americans believe that Muslims are terrorists." George W Bush, Aboard Air Force One, en route to Australia, Oct. 22, 2003
"Just remember it's the birds that's supposed to suffer, not the hunter." George W. Bush, advising quail hunter Pete Domenici, Roswell, New Mexico, Jan. 22, 2004
"See, one of the interesting things in the Oval Office - I love to bring people into the Oval Office - right around the corner from here - and say, this is where I office, but I want you to know the office is always bigger than the person." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004
"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences." George W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004
"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than -- I say more Muslims -- a lot of Muslims have died -- I don't know the exact count -- at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill." George W Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 18, 2004
"Saddam Hussein said, I'm not going to expose my weapons, I'm not going to get rid of my -- I'm not going to allow inspectors in, he said. But this is the same man who had used them. So I had to make a decision -- do I trust the word of madman, or do I remember the lessons of September the 11th?" George W Bush, Louisville, Kentucky, Feb. 26, 2004
"I want to remind you right quick what this country has been through, and the challenges this economy had faced over the last three years. First, we went through a recession. That means we were going backwards." George W Bush, Bakersfield, California, Mar. 4, 2004
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful - and so are we, they never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people - and neither do we." George W Bush at a Pentagon meeting, August 2004
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