And the Curtain is Razed
We finally got a new shower curtain, but I think the event deserves an explanation as to why this issue was so important to our Nation of Two.
We already had a shower curtain, of course. It was this creamy off-white color with leaves on it. The leaves were randomly either brown or pastel blue. It seemed like an okay shower curtain to me, but what do I know? I have a penis, and I’m part of the 90% of all penis owners who could care less about such things. SB, my wife, however hated its very existence. She said it was hideous. That may be true, but that wasn’t the problem either. The problem was that she didn’t pick it out, and since I’m part of the 90%, SB knew that I didn’t pick it out either. She knew it had to have been the work of ‘the other woman’.
SB told me once “How dare you marry someone who’s not me.” She can’t complain too much though, since she took wedding vows about a year before I did. She was okay with the curtain at first. When we moved in together we both had a lot of crap invisibly tied to someone else. SB still has a pinky ring she keeps to remind her of the folly of marrying a self loathing closet transvestite. She has (or had) my old wedding ring too as weird as that sounds. No idea what she has planned for it.
When I moved here for my job the other woman did all the decorating, and then never made the move herself. Hence, I ended up with the shower curtain. I remember she insisted on getting a ‘nice’ shower curtain from Bed Bath and Beyond. I insisted that she get one that was on sale. It was still $78. When my frugal wife heard about this, she nearly lost all respect for me.
“Eighty Dollars for a fucking shower curtain?!!”
She followed this with the sinister laugh of Aku, complete with the flaming eyebrows.
Now you really have to understand something about SB. She avoids math at all costs. If she sees a price tag that says $9.99 she’ll say “Look, it’s only 9 dollars.” So when she rounds up from 78 to 80, you know she means fucking business.
The new curtain is up for a mere $24 (the decorator’s math). The old curtain has been razed to the bottom of the heap for Goodwill. That fluorescent green duvet cover is probably next to go, but I have an even more pressing problem.
How much do we claim that shower curtain was worth on our taxes?
We already had a shower curtain, of course. It was this creamy off-white color with leaves on it. The leaves were randomly either brown or pastel blue. It seemed like an okay shower curtain to me, but what do I know? I have a penis, and I’m part of the 90% of all penis owners who could care less about such things. SB, my wife, however hated its very existence. She said it was hideous. That may be true, but that wasn’t the problem either. The problem was that she didn’t pick it out, and since I’m part of the 90%, SB knew that I didn’t pick it out either. She knew it had to have been the work of ‘the other woman’.
SB told me once “How dare you marry someone who’s not me.” She can’t complain too much though, since she took wedding vows about a year before I did. She was okay with the curtain at first. When we moved in together we both had a lot of crap invisibly tied to someone else. SB still has a pinky ring she keeps to remind her of the folly of marrying a self loathing closet transvestite. She has (or had) my old wedding ring too as weird as that sounds. No idea what she has planned for it.
When I moved here for my job the other woman did all the decorating, and then never made the move herself. Hence, I ended up with the shower curtain. I remember she insisted on getting a ‘nice’ shower curtain from Bed Bath and Beyond. I insisted that she get one that was on sale. It was still $78. When my frugal wife heard about this, she nearly lost all respect for me.
“Eighty Dollars for a fucking shower curtain?!!” She followed this with the sinister laugh of Aku, complete with the flaming eyebrows.Now you really have to understand something about SB. She avoids math at all costs. If she sees a price tag that says $9.99 she’ll say “Look, it’s only 9 dollars.” So when she rounds up from 78 to 80, you know she means fucking business.
The new curtain is up for a mere $24 (the decorator’s math). The old curtain has been razed to the bottom of the heap for Goodwill. That fluorescent green duvet cover is probably next to go, but I have an even more pressing problem.
How much do we claim that shower curtain was worth on our taxes?
posted by Sylow_P | 8:33 AM
7 Comments:
Here is the part I have a problem with:
We already had a shower curtain, of course.
It's the 'of course' that gets me. I don't believe in using shower curtains. I find them too confining. "Doesn't the floor get soaked," you probably ask. Yes. Yes it does.
But some say tomayto and some say tomahto.
Just cause you do it don't mean we all gotta. So try showing a little open-mindedness and tact, willya?
(p.s. in the disappearance of 9, this comment was written in his style.)
I should probably add that SB actually had her own shower curtain as well. While I never forbade her from using it (or getting rid of the other one) I did make it clear that the leaopard print really creeped me out.
The question now is, does the fact that I did have an opinion on the leopard print call into question my membership in the 90%? Or is my membership substantiated by the fact that I don't have any fondness for leopard print?
Oh Man! I love reading this stuff about SB! She is a riot! I LOVE How dare you marry someone who's not me?
$80 is an apalling price to pay for a shower curtain. Are you still paying for that?
Sparklestone and I each have a little bit of stuff left over from our exes and for my part, I can deal with the small bits of evidence of the other woman. I don't love it, but damn, look who's here now and look who's not.
What is SB doing with your old wedding ring anyway?
What Miss Kate minds more than stuff from The Other Woman Days is stuff from the No Woman Around To Temper The Fact That I Have No Taste At All Days.
Example: she systematically exploded all of my black, octagonal "bachelor" dishware by placing them one at a time on hot burners.
You realize that I now have to find some black octagonal plates to experiment with (if it explodes, I'm a fan).
When the Wife and I bought our place, we combined two apartments into one - her stuff went in the house and mine went into boxes in the garage. I did put my foot down at the doilies though (except in the bathroom downstairs - I lost that battle, for which I get mocked by every male who sets foot in my house).
Those black plates shocked me every single time they blew up! They were begging for it, I tell ya.
Sparkle, do we have anything that people mock you for when they come to our house? Besides the dog, of course...
I solved that problem by not having any friends.
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