New Search Hits II

Not in the mood to write, but I'd thought I'd share some recent search hits that found my blog. The number indicates how highly ranked my blog was on that search. The last two are my favorites. Please note only one of these phrases was ever specifically written on my blog.


#1 mother-in-law sex adventures

#1 Fucking Screwdrivers

#2 filthy chicken

#3 mother-in-law enjoys masturbate

#2 a girl in bed sleeping having sex with a boy

#4 getting rid of the other woman

#5 common things caught from kissing

#6 wet the bed fraternity

#10 sleeping with my brother in same bed

#10 marijuana shower curtains

#11 naked girl sitting on a sleeping naked girl

#67 rubbing thighs together

#92 natural redhead, dd

#66 i fuck my mother-in-law secretly

#96 men in panty club

#107 ode to my underpants

Looters

Fucking Rat Bastards!

The wife and I took the afternoon off Friday. We had lunch together and then planned to go home, get the car, and go to a movie. I wanted to change into some shorts, so I emptied my pockets onto the shelf like always, and I noticed a stack of 10 Sacajawea dollars was missing. “Hey, did you move my dollars?”

“No.” Replied the wife.
“Who the hell took my money?”
“Uh, maybe the person who broke into our house?”

I walked into the kitchen where SB was, and saw the thing that once served as a back door to our apartment. The door was split in two, the deadbolt in several pieces, and the door frame was sort of missing. I was standing there still looking at the mess of the door, when SB called down from the bedroom.

“They took my grandmother’s diamond!”

The realization that she had gone upstairs gave me a very sick feeling. I couldn’t see anything else missing, which meant either they didn’t want much, or they weren’t finished.

“SB will you come back down here please.”

When she got back downstairs I asked her to stay with me while I called the police, whispering ‘just in case they’re still here’.

I saw that flash in her eye. That glint that every Irish woman gets right before deciding to disembowel someone. I raised an eyebrow, and she took my hint that charging through the house for some bloodletting at this stage might be hazardous.

After calling the police I immediately called the landlord for a new door. The cop was able to get some prints off the door handle, but the odds of them actually catching these crack addicts are slim. They took two rings out of my wife’s jewelry box, that stack of dollars I mentioned before, and our entire dvd collection. That's it. My laptop was sitting in plain sight on the coffee table. Apparently they didn't realize it's the most expensive item in the house. And they must not like our choice in music either. All the cd's are accounted for.

They took my Samurai Jack and all of my lord of the rings extended editions. Fifty or so dvds they took. They took all of the Bonanza dvd’s I bought SB for Christmas. The good news is they took my wedding ring from my marriage to the other woman. Never did figure out what to do with it...

Fortunately, they shut the door enough to keep the cats in.

It’s kinda freaky knowing someone can just kick your fucking door in.

Video of Charmaine Neville: New Orleans Evacuee

This woman's story is pretty heart breaking.

We've acounted for everyone we know in New Orleans. One friend, who is a nurse, was stranded in University Hospital until saturday. She hadn't heard from her family or her girlfriend until yesterday. Another friend was able to take a look at his house yesterday. The house he just bought is fine. The house he's been trying to sell for a couple months is still under water.

Crazy stuff.

Rubber, Rubber. All the world needs rubber.

The Captain’s revelation regarding the use of rubber gloves while touching yourself, reminded me of my great aunt who passed away some time back.

This really isn’t as sick as you’re thinking right now, so don’t get you’re hopes up. I’ve delayed writing this up, because there’s just so much I could tell you about dear old... Auntie M, we’ll call her. There is a story I’ve told about her more times than I can count, but for some reason I feel icky trying to write it up. I may have to skip that tale for now.

M was the oldest of my grandfather’s little sisters. They were born around 1910, and grew up very religious. The two sisters lived together until the 70’s when the younger sister passed away. M was a very kissy lady. We would go visit her when I was a kid and she always wanted to give me a kiss. It was awful. My mother yelled at me once for immediately wiping my cheek on my sleeve one time. I replied with “But it was running down my shirt.” I’m not sure if my mother’s mortified look was from the fact that I said this in front of M or just the realization that there was indeed saliva running down my shirt.

M always wanted me to sleep in her bed with her when we came to visit. At 12 I finally convinced my parents to recommend that I sleep in the creepy attic by myself when we visited M. She didn’t like that. We went to dinner, and I got stuck in a booth next to her. She kept kissing me all through dinner. I kept looking at my parents like “will you please do something for fuck sake?” That was the last time they brought me along to visit M.

So back to the rubber gloves. M grew up through the depression and all that with a brother eight years older and a little sister. She never had children, nor was she ever around children. She was married to a man for a few years in the early 1960’s (that's where that other story I want to tell comes from). While she was married she actually asked my parents if she could HAVE my older brother who had just been born. “You kids are young, you can have more children.” She told them. When she found out I had Cerebral Palsy she wanted them to let me live with her because “Portland has better schools for that sort of thing..” Incidentally, that conversation coincided with my parents decision not to bring me to visit her anymore.

M walked in on my aunt Roberta once while she was changing a diaper on her infant son. Now if you’ve ever witnessed this kind of thing you’re probably aware that even an infant knows that big jim is a whole lotta fun, especially when you’ve got your feet straight up in the air. Shocked and dismayed at what she saw, Auntie M screamed at the top of her lungs:

“Roberta, what are you doing?! Don’t you know that if you don’t put rubber gloves on that boy he’ll grow up to be a homosexual?!!”