Schlongogler

A couple days after Gore invented the internet, Sparklestone and I got this game sent to us over email. This little flash cartoon program shows you a row of urinals, some of which are occupied, and you have to click on the appropriate urinal to use. For example, if there are three urinals, and the one on the far right is occupied, the appropriate urinal to use is the one on the far left.

Despite the personal nature of the rest of this blog entry, Sparklestone insists that it needs bloggin.

Some strange little man just followed me into an empty men’s room, parked himself at the urinal directly next to me and made no effort to hide the fact that he was staring directly at my penis.

Back at LSU this might not have fazed me, since every single men’s room stall had a glory hole anyhow, but down south he would have at least offered to show me his out of courtesy.

Sparklestone: Sending me the definition of ogle isn’t helping...

1 : to eye amorously or provocatively
2 : to look at especially with greedy or interested attention

Remote Control People

http://apnews.excite.com/article/20051026/D8DFD7O01.html

Okay, this is a little disturbing. The Japanese have created a headset that can direct where a person walks from a joystick used by another person. It throws little currents into your ear, and throws you off balance to make you move in the right direction.

As soon as they make one that controls what your speech, Bush won't have to read the teleprompter anymore.

White House vs. The Onion

http://www.madison.com/tct/opinion/column/moe//index.php?ntid=59076&ntpid=2

Doug Moe: Onion bites back at White House

By Doug Moe
October 25, 2005

BROADWAY LEGEND George S. Kaufman once famously observed that "satire is what closes on Saturday night," meaning that not enough people "get" satire.

Of course, Kaufman, who died in 1961, never read The Onion, the satiric humor weekly that started on half a shoestring in Madison in 1988 and now boasts 5 million readers a week - 2 million for the print edition, and 3 million online.

A lot of people apparently get The Onion, but that does not necessarily include lawyers in the George W. Bush White House.

The White House recently sent The Onion a scolding letter concerning its use of the Presidential Seal on the paper's Web site.

The Onion, following Jimmy Breslin's dictum that there is no slight so small it can't be turned into a lifelong feud and milked dry in the service of publicity, has gleefully fired back.

It started on Sept. 28, when Grant Dixton, associate counsel to President Bush, sent a letter to The Onion. The classy thing is that it was written on White House stationery. The not so classy thing is that it was addressed, "To Whom It May Concern."

The letter began: "It has come to my attention that The Onion is using the Presidential Seal on its Web site.

"I write to inform you that use of the Presidential Seal is governed by Section 713 of Title 18, United States Code and Executive Order 11649. In accordance with these authorities, the Presidential Seal is not to be used in connection with commercial ventures or products in any way that suggests presidential support or endorsement. While certain exceptions are applicable to these policies, an organization must seek approval from the Office of Counsel to the President. We have no record of your company seeking such approval.

"Therefore, please remove the Presidential Seal from your Web site immediately. Thank you for your attention to this matter."

On The Onion Web site, there is a picture of President Bush and a microphone, and they are superimposed over the Presidential Seal. Underneath it reads: "The President's Weekly Radio Address," with this note, "The Onion provides streaming of the President's Weekly Radio Address as a public service to its readers."

You can click on the current address and there is also an archive of past addresses. Of course, because this is The Onion, the addresses are actually written by Onion editor-in-chief Scott Dikkers, who also does a fair imitation of Bush's voice when you listen to the downloaded addresses.

But it's hard to imagine anyone thinking they were actually listening to Bush's weekly address.

For instance, consider how Dikkers began one recent address: "It was my sad duty this week to accept the resignation of FEMA chief Michael Brown. He was an outstanding public servant who did an excellent job in a time of crisis. Unfortunately, he leaves his post during a crucial period of rebuilding for our country, and under criticism that his sole experience for this vital post was as a failed Arabian horse judge. It is time to look forward. I will fill this post with only the finest and most upstanding judger of horses. When the lives of American citizens are at stake, only someone with a keen eye for excellence in grooming and carriage is acceptable. Therefore, this week, I named Albert Escanaba as the nominee, a county fair judge from Reed, Nebraska."

The Onion took the White House letter seriously enough to have its Madison lawyer, Rochelle H. Klaskin of La Follette, Godfrey & Kahn, write a letter back, though she addressed it "Dear Mr. Dixon" (the White House guy's name was Dixton), perhaps a shot back at "To Whom It May Concern." Klaskin wrote: "Readers of The Onion know that its incidental use of the Presidential Seal and its complementary parody of the president's weekly radio address are not meant to convey sponsorship but, on the contrary, to serve as political commentary."

Klaskin wrote that no one could think the president sponsors or approves The Onion, pointing to the lead headline in the Oct. 13-19 Onion as proof: "Bush to Appoint Someone to Be in Charge of Country."

Dikkers, the editor, wrote the White House lawyer too, also getting his name wrong.

"Dear Mr. Dixon,

"I greatly appreciate your comments regarding my Weekly Radio Address parody. But I'm surprised the president deems it wise to spend taxpayer money for his lawyer to write letters to The Onion.

"If you have a lot of extra money lying around that you don't know what to do with, here are some better ideas for spending it:

"1. How about a tax break for satirists?

"2. With indictments in 'Plamegate' forthcoming, perhaps a nice going-away present for Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, Vice President Cheney, or whoever the president may be firing. I recommend a subscription to The Onion.

"3. It has recently become obvious that there is need for some sort of federal organization to administer the management of emergencies - a hypothetical 'Federal Emergency Management Administration,' if you will. You could spend the money on that.

"4. Harriet Miers could really use a scholarship to some kind of rudimentary judge school.

"In the event there's any extra money left over after all these projects, then perhaps the president could justify paying lawyers to protect him from comedians."

It's not a lifelong feud yet, but it's a start.

I'll be damned, she's a pervy girl!

Right this minute there is a young woman using a computer to read a message board. It's full of pictures made up of asterics and parenthesis and such. You know the kind of crap you had to do in typing class. The only notable thing is that they are all renderings of penises and men with erections; big erections. I'm 25 feet away, and I swear they're larger than real life.

Ooh, that one is huge.

Look at the pecks on that guy...

Uh-oh, a crowd is forming. Gotta go.

I do miss Idaho

SALMON, Idaho (Reuters) - There's no room service, no swimming pool, no microwave oven, no coffee machine, no television, no electricity.

But the accommodations do include mattresses and wood stoves.

An 89-year-old retired construction worker this month began advertising cave stays in east-central Idaho for $5 per night, or $25 a month.

Richard Zimmerman, also known as "Dugout Dick," said his dwellings can double as bomb shelters and serve as mining sites for people who bring their own picks.

Zimmerman, himself a cave resident, has spent decades carving out a dozen quarters from a hillside overlooking the Salmon River rapids.

Now he said it's time to break from his labors and help jump-start tourism in this remote mountain community.

The caves stretch as far as 100 feet into the hillside and are bolstered by rocks, peeled fir poles, mud and straw.

So far, a few tourists from overseas -- one from England, another from Spain -- have taken him up on the offer. Zimmerman said they did not take to life underground.

"It's not for everyone," the self-styled Salmon River caveman acknowledged. But "I expect the trade will pick up anytime now."

I'm deficient

My father recently found out he has the gene that causes Alpha-1 Antitrypsin deficiency, and I found out today that I probably have it too. What the hell is that you ask? Good question.

Antitrypsin is a protein that gets sent to the liver and the lungs. In the lungs there is an enzyme that ‘eats’ dead cells. Apparently, the lining of your lungs sheds just like your skin. Who’d have thunk it?

So Antitrypsin keeps that enzyme from going crazy and eating all of the healthy elastic cells, causing a form of emphysema. This is all a relatively new discovery in medicine. My grandmother died from emphysema in the late 70’s. She had never smoked in her life, but the doctors just assumed she must have been around someone who did.

To test for the gene is not only expensive, it could prevent you from ever getting health insurance, if you find out you do indeed have the gene. So, doctors like to avoid testing you for it. Instead, they can do a blood test to see if you have a deficiency in the protein. Having the deficiency doesn’t mean you’ll ever have any problems. If you smoke and have a deficiency, you’re kind of screwed. You can have one copy of the gene (from one parent) or two copies of the gene (one from each parent). If you have two copies, you’ll probably get emphysema even without smoking, like my grandmother.

The point of this post however, is to merely point out how much your parents have you by the short hairs no matter how much you try to rid yourself of them. The doctor wanted to know all of this stuff about my dad. Does he have the gene once or twice? Was he having trouble breathing? How the fuck should I know? My brother is the only sadist interested in talking to him. I don’t talk to either of my parents anymore. The irony is I stopped interacting with them for health reasons.

Devils Music

I stole this idea from Captain Underpants, who stole it from John doe Jr. I wasn't actually allowed to listen to the Devil's Music in High School, but surprisingly, I heard more of it than I realized.

Here are the instructions:

1) Go to this site: Online Music Resources
2) Scroll down the page and find the year you graduated
3) Copy the list of songs
4) Bold the songs you loved,
Italicize the ones you hated,
"Red" the ones you don't remember,
and leave the rest alone (I guess these are ones you are indifferent about).

[If you can guess what year this is without looking it up, I'll think you're pretty weird.]

Top 100 Songs

1. I Want To Hold Your Hand, The Beatles
2. She Loves You, The Beatles
3. Where Did Our Love Go, Supremes
4. Oh, Pretty Woman, Roy Orbison
5. I Get Around, Beach Boys
6. Everybody Loves Somebody, Dean Martin
7. My Guy, Mary Wells
8. People, Barbara Streissand
9. Last Kiss, J. Frank Wilson and The Cavaliers
10. Hello, Dolly!, Louis Armstrong
11. We'll Sing In The Sunshine, Gale Garnett
12. Java, Al Hirt
13. A Hard Day's Night, The Beatles
14. Love Me Do, The Beatles
15. Do Wah Diddy Diddy, Manfred Mann
16. Under The Boardwalk, Drifters
17. Dancing In The Street, Martha and The Vandellas
18. Little Children, Billy J. Kramer and The Dakotas
19. Love Me With All Your Heart, Ray Charles Singers
20. Please Please Me, The Beatles
21. Chapel Of Love, Dixie Cups
22. Suspicion, Terry Stafford
23. Glad All Over, Dave Clark Five
24. Rag Doll, Four Seasons
25. Dawn (Go Away), Four Seasons
26. Bread And Butter, Newbeats
27. It Hurts To Be In Love, Gene Pitney
28. Dead Man's Curve, Jan and Dean
29. Come A Little Bit Closer, Jay and The Americans
30. A World Without Love, Peter and Gordon
31. Have I The Right?, Honeycombs
32. Don't Let The Rain Come Down (Crooked Little Man), Serendipity Singers
33. Baby Love, Supremes
34. Let It Be Me, Betty Everett and Jerry Butler
35. Wishin' And Hopin', Dusty Springfield
36. You Don't Own Me, Lesley Gore
37. Walk On By, Dionne Warwick
38. The House Of The Rising Sun, Animals
39. G.T.O., Ronny and The Daytona
40. Twist And Shout, The Beatles
41. Memphis, Johnny Rivers
42. White On White, Danny Williams
43. Hey Little Cobra, Rip Chords
44. The Shoop Shoop Song (It's In His Kiss), Betty Everett
45. Bits And Pieces, Dave Clark Five
46. My Boy Lollipop, Millie Small
47. Um, Um, Um, Um, Um, Um, Major Lance
48. The Little Old Lady, Jan and Dean
49. Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying, Gerry and The Pacemakers
50. A Summer Song, Chad and Jeremy
51. The Girl From Ipanema, Stan Getz and Astrud Gilberto
52. Can't Buy Me Love, The Beatles
53. Remember (Walkin' In The Sand), Shangri-Las
54. C'mon And Swim, Bobby Freeman
55. Do You Want To Know A Secret, The Beatles
56. Keep On Pushing, Impressions
57. Baby I Need Your Loving, Four Tops
58. Navy Blue, Diane Renay
59. Diane, Bachelors
60. Out Of Limits, Marketts
61. Little Honda, Hondells
62. See The Funny Little Clown, Bobby Goldsboro
63. Because, Dave Clark Five
64. (Just Like) Romeo And Juliet, Reflections
65. For You, Rick Nelson
66. Today, New Christy Minstrels
67. Can't You See That She's Mine, Dave Clark Five
68. Leader Of The Pack, Shangri-Las
69. Funny, Joe Hinton
70. The Way You Do The Things You Do, Temptations
71. Anyone Who Had A Heart, Dionne Warwick
72. I Love You More And More Every Day, Al Martino
73. It's Over, Roy Orbison
74. Ronnie, Four Seasons
75. Surfin' Bird, Trashmen
76. What Kind Of Fool (Do You Think I Am), Tams
77. The Door Is Still Open To My Heart, Dean Martin
78. You Really Got Me, Kinks
79. The Shelter Of Your Arms, Sammy Davis Jr.
80. I'm So Proud, Impressions
81. Money, Kingsmen
82. Haunted Houses, Gene Simmons
83. Dang Me, Roger Miller
84. Do You Love Me, Dave Clark Five
85. (You Don't Know) How Glad I Am, Nancy Wilson
86. I Wanna Love Him So Bad, Jelly Beans
87. Don't Throw Your Love Away, Searchers
88. Hi-heel Sneakers, Tommy Tucker
89. How Do You Do It, Gerry and The Pacemakers
90. Walk, Don't Run '64
91. Cotton Candy, Al Hirt
92. Shangri-La, Robert Maxwell, His Harp and Orchestra
93. Chug-a-lug, Roger Miller
94. Steal Away, Jimmy Hughes
95. Louie Louie, The Kingsmen
96. A Fool Never Learns, Andy Williams
97. Bad To Me, Billy J. Kramer and The Dakotas
98. There! I've Said It Again, Bobby Vinton
99. I Saw Her Standing There, The Beatles
100. Needles And Pins, Searchers

I've been tagged.

I guess there's a first time for everything. Paintergirl has just tagged me with the following (I guess she wanted to get the topic off of adult spanking.

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag someone else who might actually need to be tagged.

The fifth sentence of my 23rd post reads: "I need to think them through, one by one, and clarify for myself the possible implications."

Pretty damn dull eh? That's in the middle of a rant about my parents. Yeah, they pretty much suck.

I'm betting this might work out to be funnier for Sparklestone, Captain Underpants, or WenigGluckliches. Consider yourselves tagged, but if post 23 line 5 says Sylow is a dumbass feel free to opt out.